I'm breathing. That's what counts right?
Saturday was the one year since I lost someone. Someone that was so close to me we were practically the same person. One spirit sharing two bodies. I honestly feel like the better half of me is gone. The half that is kind hearted, silly, and immature. Loving, compassionate, and beautiful. I honestly feel like I have lost the most beautiful part about me.
I am constantly looking for something that is normal to me when I hurt. Of course, when I find images or other trigger objects, I cringe and force myself to keep out of the fetal position. But at least part of me is happy. A small pinhole of light pierces through the clouds and storms. That is enough for now. Yes, I am a happy individual, but this is something so much more personal. A song will come on and I realize I am not alone. I remember the memories we have had and a smile will push through. This is a different kind of happiness. Something that no one will be able to ever understand. Something our souls shared.
I was wedding dress shopping- something every girl DREAMS of. It was wonderful until this horrible feeling filled me. I couldn't shake it. I continued trying on dresses, but by this time I was more like a walking robot. I could not feel emotions. I was not excited anymore. Everyone around me was smiling and laughing, but for some reason I couldn't get myself to. Something was really wrong. I found the dress I wanted but through mutliple "Say yes to the dress, Kaitie!" 's I just couldn't say anything. I was speechless. My skin felt like it was melting off slowly. Luckily my friend jumped in, "It's the price that is making you nervous, huh?" YES. Thank you for the loop hole. I agreed, but still had the horrid feeling before. After a day with my girls and loved ones, I lay in bed. My eyes squeezed shut, letting my mind drift. But it wouldn't. What-WHAT is wrong??? A memory fills my screen. Smiles and giggles fill my being. I feel warm. I am laying by the pool, gossiping. My sister soul lays next to me. She smirks and begins talking with me. I don't know what about, that isn't what matters. I just don't want her to leave. Stay with me. Stay.
DING-DING-DING. Tears fill my eyes. My day was WRONG. It was SO WRONG. This girl was supposed to be my maid of honor. She was supposed to go with me to try on dresses. SHE was the one who was supposed to keep me giggling about things no one else would understand. Our secret language hidden by our ridiculous noises and rolling on the floor. She is supposed to be helping me plan this all out. I feel so burdened. I really am not excited right now. I just feel so numb. This isn't right. I know this is who I am supposed to marry. We share a special bond too. He is the most special person to me right now. He is so perfect. But this just isn't right.
It was planned and I am not happy about it. I know I should be. God has given me so much. I don't understand why right now. But she is gone and I am not happy. She even went in the best way for all we know. She didn't hurt. She was bundled up, so kept warm. She was dreaming and like Cody says "She went to sleep here on earth, and woke up in her father's arms."
Call me ungrateful, fine. I am. Call me selfish, check. Call me stupid, yeah I probably am. But this is just the state I am stuck in. The state I cannot dig myself out of.
