Selfish & Ungrateful

I'm breathing. That's what counts right?

Saturday was the one year since I lost someone. Someone that was so close to me we were practically the same person. One spirit sharing two bodies. I honestly feel like the better half of me is gone. The half that is kind hearted, silly, and immature. Loving, compassionate, and beautiful. I honestly feel like I have lost the most beautiful part about me.

I am constantly looking for something that is normal to me when I hurt. Of course, when I find images or other trigger objects, I cringe and force myself to keep out of the fetal position. But at least part of me is happy. A small pinhole of light pierces through the clouds and storms. That is enough for now. Yes, I am a happy individual, but this is something so much more personal. A song will come on and I realize I am not alone. I remember the memories we have had and a smile will push through. This is a different kind of happiness. Something that no one will be able to ever understand. Something our souls shared.

I was wedding dress shopping- something every girl DREAMS of. It was wonderful until this horrible feeling filled me. I couldn't shake it. I continued trying on dresses, but by this time I was more like a walking robot. I could not feel emotions. I was not excited anymore. Everyone around me was smiling and laughing, but for some reason I couldn't get myself to. Something was really wrong. I found the dress I wanted but through mutliple "Say yes to the dress, Kaitie!" 's I just couldn't say anything. I was speechless. My skin felt like it was melting off slowly. Luckily my friend jumped in, "It's the price that is making you nervous, huh?" YES. Thank you for the loop hole. I agreed, but still had the horrid feeling before. After a day with my girls and loved ones, I lay in bed. My eyes squeezed shut, letting my mind drift. But it wouldn't. What-WHAT is wrong??? A memory fills my screen. Smiles and giggles fill my being. I feel warm. I am laying by the pool, gossiping. My sister soul lays next to me. She smirks and begins talking with me. I don't know what about, that isn't what matters. I just don't want her to leave. Stay with me. Stay.

DING-DING-DING. Tears fill my eyes. My day was WRONG. It was SO WRONG. This girl was supposed to be my maid of honor. She was supposed to go with me to try on dresses. SHE was the one who was supposed to keep me giggling about things no one else would understand. Our secret language hidden by our ridiculous noises and rolling on the floor. She is supposed to be helping me plan this all out. I feel so burdened. I really am not excited right now. I just feel so numb. This isn't right. I know this is who I am supposed to marry. We share a special bond too. He is the most special person to me right now. He is so perfect. But this just isn't right.

It was planned and I am not happy about it. I know I should be. God has given me so much. I don't understand why right now. But she is gone and I am not happy. She even went in the best way for all we know. She didn't hurt. She was bundled up, so kept warm. She was dreaming and like Cody says "She went to sleep here on earth, and woke up in her father's arms."

Call me ungrateful, fine. I am. Call me selfish, check. Call me stupid, yeah I probably am. But this is just the state I am stuck in. The state I cannot dig myself out of.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

She's gone.
My best friend.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Smiling, always laughing.
Loving.
Always loving.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Bright eyes, squinted.
Hurting, crying.
Time.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Forgotten.
Sleeping, dreaming.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Peace.
Puff out.
Spirit gone.
Cold.
Now so very cold.
We breathe in, we breathe out.
Pain.
Tears.
Time.

How Different

I am not here just to blend in.
Nope.
I am here to make change.
To go beyond the usual.
Making others strive to do better themselves.
I will not become a robot of society, constantly just trying to fit in.
I refuse to become rooted.
I embrace my unusual way of life.
The way I dress differently.
The way I push to never be defeated.
Never will I give up or give in.
I will stand tall and immovable.
But never set in my stubborn ways.
Being open minded will be key.
I know I was destined for greatness.
I will do great things.
I know it.
I just do.

Stop

You'll never be nothing more.
Never achieving anything worth noting.
Always useless.
Always unchanged.
Never remembered.
After all you are one in billions.
You are not big enough to effect anyone or anything.
You are nothing.

Stop listening. A movement is always started with one individual.
It begins as a thought. A mere glimpse into something better.
The idea begins to grow through the owner. They choose to share, or to hide it.
Through word of mouth the idea begins to plant seeds.
Others join. The ball begins to roll.
BAM.

Do not choose to blend in.
ALWAYS STAND OUT.

Sheep

One of the most beautiful stories I have ever heard came from a man I admire and know is a great man called of God. He told me about a dream he had years ago.

He laid down to sleep. Thinking about nothing other than his his day. Slowly he slipped into unconsciousness.

He opens his eyes to a beautiful untouched beach.
The waves roll in, as the warm breeze blows through.
This seems to be one of the most beautiful sights to be seen.
One that his eyes are unable to conquer as a mortal.
As he stands there completely speechless he sees a being manifest itself down the beach a ways.
He immediately is overwhelmed with the recognition of his Savior.
Jesus Christ walks towards him, while this man wastes no time striding towards him.
After a never long enough conversation with his Savior, whispered are simple words.
"I must tend to my other sheep."
The words slowly cut through Taylor as he realizes his time with his idol is over.
"Let me help you, I will come with."
Jesus slowly begins to walk away, not before warming the man's body.
"You must stay."
And with that is was over.

I envy this man..

Weird Days

Today is one of those weird days.
The days your inner self competes against itself.
You have one side dreaming out loud.
You have another bleeding it's doubts throughout your thoughts.
One crying to be held.
The other wanting to be left alone.
So many different stories and memories to each.
I appreciate these days because of the thinking that gets done.
I often motivate myself during these hours.
And all in the same swoop, demotivate myself.
Some will emerge victorious.
Those are the sides that will decide my fate for the next week or so.
Today is one of those weird days.
The days you feel like doing everything.
And yet the days you feel like doing absolutely nothing worthwhile.
The days you make plans.
The days your imperfections scratch into your core.
You scream out for help and hear no reply.
The love from God snatches your being and warms you.
Then the day is over.
Your hand reaches through everything piled on top of you.
It grasps the new found hope.
You emerge victorious.
I await that time of day.
Because today.
Well today is one of those weird days.

Diseased

We all have dreams and aspirations.
It makes no sense why we cannot reach them sometimes.
Far too often we forget them and move on, because our dreams are not and sometimes cannot be real.
We then spread our unhappiness like a disease. We are all creating a pandemic.
STOP.

Hang in there always.
Never stop dreaming.
Always be there for people.
Always push others to do their best.
Smile.